Let the Breast Milk Flow and Flow (or why I nurse my toddler)

It has been eighteen months since I painstakingly helped Ayla latch on for the first time.  In those first days and weeks, I was certain that I wouldn’t last past three months.  But I made it to three, and implored the gods to help me make it to six. Then six months passed.  And I set a new goal: Twelve months.  After that, I swore I would be done. 

But some things changed along the way.  To begin, I reached a point where I forgot I was doing it.  Pulling up my shirt and guiding Ayla to my breast became second nature.  It’s the same thing that happens when I’m driving on an open road for long stretches of time.  At some point, I realize that I’ve been driving (for minutes, or hours) without the help of my conscious mind.  My mind would have been watching the vast sky or reliving a special moment in my life and all the while another part of me had been driving carefully, changing lanes and shifting gears. I can’t recall exactly when I stopped keeping track of which side Ayla was drinking from or whether it was time to switch from the Cradle Hold to the Football Hold.  But when I could let go of the mechanics of nursing, it became a deeply meditative interlude in my day.  And in those moments, I felt more spiritual than I have while sitting in meditation or praying or practicing yoga under the stars.

Another change was gradual disappearance of my enormous (bourgeois) guilt about nursing.  I had read enough progressive parenting books to know that there wasn’t a bottle in the world that could compare to my breast milk.  Ounce for ounce, my milk outpaced formula in every category.  But while knowledge can liberate us, it can also erect tall fences around us.  And in those early painful months, I felt confined by my decision to breastfeed.  On the one hand, it was convenient not to have get out of bed in the middle of the night or rush home from the park to make a bottle.  But once you start nursing, you can’t stop.  I wanted to so desperately not to be needed all the time.  I wished for a few days off now and again, to gain some perspective before returning to the job.  

But once Ayla was eating solid food, need, so to speak, dried up.  And so, nursing became a choice that we each had to make.  At some point after the six-month mark, we both enthusiastically said, “Yes!” to nursing.  This time around, I found many and varied reasons to want to nurse.  Some days, when I felt enveloped by darkness, I knew that nursing would help me see light again.  Nothing grounds me more than feeling Ayla’s tiny body in my arms and listening to the soft puffs of her breath.  No matter what storms are passing through my life, I am reminded that they will pass when I’m nursing Ayla.

Similarly, I noticed Ayla seeking out my bosom when she wanted to reconnect or play with me (or my nipples), rather than when she was thirsty.  Nursing is a means for us to reacquaint ourselves if I’ve been out for the day or away on a trip.  I’ve grown to love all the gestures and movements that make up our breastfeeding body language.  I can tell when Ayla wants to nurse by the way in which she reaches out to me.  We have little rituals about how we curl up in each other’s limbs—how her head rests on my upper arm and how her toes seek out the warm crevice behind my knees.  We both heave a silent sigh once the milk starts to flow.

What I like most about breastfeeding my toddler is that the dynamic has shifted.  My breasts are no longer the great providers and cosmic soothers that they were in the early days.  Nowadays, breastfeeding feels more like an exchange amongst equals—it is something we both choose day after day, because it enables us to share and reaffirm our love for each other.  

Eighteen months ago, I thought breast milk was all about providing nutrition and immunity to my child.  But I've since learned that "milk" is another a four-letter word for love. 

Comments

[Stacey]

Thank you so much for this! I nursed my daughter for 12 months, and it was a mutual decision between us both to begin the weaning process. It was amazing how she and I BOTH felt it was time. No matter how long you nurse, there is always an enormous amount of benefit physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Your writing is beautiful and inspiring.

Namaste,
Stacy

[Kelly]

Thank you so much for this post Taz! I am 8 and 1/2 months pregnant with my first baby and planning to nurse. Your post was so lovely, soothing, honest, personal and touching ~ it is so helpful hearing other people's accounts of mothering and specifically nursing. Thank you, Most sincerely, Kelly

[Namaste]

Thanks for the sweet and very personal account of your experience with your daughter. I've been nursing my baby for 17 months and this particular exchange has been one of the deepest and most meaningful of my life.

[preciousmagic]

I nursed my daughter, Naomi, for 22 months. It was a profound and joyful experience and though I had days where I wished I could 'take a break', it was a precious exchange that filled me with awe and gratitude every time!

[Michelle Tortora]

You are dead on! I am still nursing my 2 year old son. I wanted to night wean him at 12 months, (I've been nursing for 4 years straight now since I was previously nursing my now 4 year old) but my husband urged me to continue because something just wasn't "right" with him at night. Nothing else worked to comfort him. So I continued and thank God I did.
That "something not right" turned into a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder at 18 months of age. Nursing proved to be the one time we could connect since he had no language, made no eye contact and basically ignored everyone around him. But when he nursed, he would cuddle and be calm. If I didn't have that nursing time with him, I think I would have felt completely disconnected with him.
Also, we learned that his ASD certainly stemmed from his gut. I immediately changed both of our diets to a gluten/casein free diet. Like, the day I found out I threw everything out of the fridge and pantry. Cold turkey, my son and I began a new diet. Easy for me, hard for an 18 month old who only ate bagels and gold fish for solid food. As he went through withdrawals for a solid week, I nursed him almost constantly. He did not touch any solid food for weeks, subsisting on nursing alone. I don't know if I could have kept up the diet and withholding his favorites, except I knew he was being nourished by my milk.
Only six months later, my son has more words than I can count. He does not flap his arms constantly and bang his head against the wall in pain. He plays with other children and laughs at jokes. His chocolate brown eyes look into mine and he says "nurse!" and I gladly oblige every time.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=538025925]

Thank you! I am still nursing my daughter who is 26 months. It is very difficult to find support nursing a toddler! We just went through a challenging period which left me searching for support, my local LLL leader and a good friend was all the support I had to continue breastfeeding. I don't know how long we will continue to nurse but both of us will know when it's time to be done. I am cherishing my last baby and the bond that we have breastfeeding!

[Kathryn Predojevic]

that is lovely, thank you for posting the link of facebook (thats how I found it) i too an nursing a toddler, with no desire to see the end. As well I nursed 2 toddlers before this one, and hope to nurse another baby grow to toddler as well. It is everything you said. you described all of it so well. They way you find a place for the arms and legs, and toes :) How we nestle together with our little ones, and the soft breathing, and toddler relaxing in our arms, allow us to take a deep breath and let the worries go.
thank you again. I needed that reminder!

[Kayla Speer]

This comment brought me to tears, so riveting I thank you for sharing something so personal, beautiful and relateable. My daughter is 8 months old and from the get I've set a goal of 12 months and see where her and I are at. Reading this makes me want to never stop :o) Breastfeeding is truly an amazing bond. All I need is her to gaze deep into my eyes and I'm centered, nothing matters but that precious gem you hold in your arms. Even the biting doesn't make me want to stop, because the time spent together is the real everlasting impression imprinted on my heart, forever. Thanks again for reminding me how spectacular this mama journey is. Blessed...

[Sam Lowes]

I didn't breastfeed but I can't seem to take away the bottle from my near two year old. It''s nice to see that toddlers still need the comfort of the breast. There's something comforting about sucking (bottle or breast) and I'm in no rush to force her off it.

[Nancy Matsunaga]

If you and your little one both still love it, why wean? Just because society tells us it's weird to nurse a toddler? My little guy is also coming up on 18 months and we both love our breastfeeding relationship. We're not planning to quit anytime soon!

[M Ayerst]

My daugther self weaned at 12 months...my son is not breast feading a lot and he is ony 10 months. Taz I am actually quite an expert on this topic and I can tell you really didn't have to do much.

[Holly]

Good for you both for still loving and enjoying your breastfeeding moments, and do what feel right for you both in the weaning question. There are only 2 people who can make that decision, so don't worry about what society sets as a guide line.

As a formula mom, I just wanted to point out that you still get the same feelings of love and connection. I love feeding time with my son, his calm expression as he smiles up at me and nuzzles in for a bottle. There are many other ways to feel connected and show love. You may miss out on this one as marches on, but you will be surprised (and just as happy) at all the new connections that develop!