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April 12, 2011

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nathan

Hi Taz,

I found your blog recently, and this post interests me greatly for many reasons. I'm in my mid-30s, and have also considered whether it's time to give up on finding someone. Certainly, I have had my share of relationships, with some great experiences, but they didn't last.

But I also am kind of agnostic on the soul mate issue. Actually, perhaps it's more that I don't believe in "The One" - it's more "the ones" in my mind. And it's finding one of those woman who is akin to me - which still is a small grouping, and as I have tuned more into myself through yoga and Zen, the layers of possibilities seem to keep peeling away. I have little interest in settling or flinging these days.

However, I do think there's a major flaw in a lot of our understandings around love and partnership. And the whole knight on a horse image at the end of your post ties into that. The major flaw is that we have built up these stories about what will happen, how it should look exactly, and who does what - and most of this is from "outside" sources - pop culture, family experiences, secular and religious narratives about what partnership and marriage are supposed to be like.

From a Buddhist perspective, people are quite attached to their stories, to the point where they reject others on very superficial grounds, while they end up getting hooked to people who appear to fit the story, but actually aren't good matches at all.

Another issue I think comes with popular understanding of soul mates is that without finding the other person, you aren't complete. I don't agree with that view, and would say it's more to the degree that I can sense my completeness that I'll be more likely to see the woman "of my dreams" appearing before me.

Perhaps some of your friend's disdain is coming from a sense that there is some unexamined baggage with the soul mate story that needs to be unpacked. It's probably also the case that some of it is just cynicism and/or lack of reflection on what it is one's life is really calling for.

Anyway, thank you for the post and the opportunity to share a few thoughts.

Best,
Nathan

Gabby Morton Jones

Does it not make sense that along with most things in this world the notion of 'soul mates' exist on a continuum and everyone we meet are somewhere on a line between soul mate to enemy (for lack of a better opposite). Some people are lucky enough to meet someone (a lover or friend) who sits right at the soul mate end. If they are really lucky they might actually be able to live their days close to that person. Most I would guess settle for partners and friends who fulfill most of their soul mate requirements but not all.

Maybe people become cynical to the notion of 'soul mates' because they don't want to feel like they have settled for anything less than they deserve.

I certainly believe in soul mates, the feeling is quite unmistakable. The most amazing thing about soul mates are that you don't have to be at a place where truly love your own soul when you meet them, because they make you feel like the best possible version of yourself in their presence. That is all part of their soul mate magic, lovers and friends alike.

Yumi

Wonderful piece!! Being a single woman myself, I completely understand what you are talking about here Taz. And when it comes to Soulmates, I am proud to say that I am one of the 'believers' :)

Sara Farber

Really nice piece, Taz. After years of dating in NYC, I completely gave up on the idea of soulmates. Then, I met mine... and married him. :) My husband apparently dreamt of meeting his soulmate since he was a little boy... I think knowing that's what you want is the biggest piece of the puzzle. Don't give up hope...

Jami-Ley

taz, for sure they exist but it's never when, how or where you expect it and it's usually more than one in the span of a lifetime...

Beachgirl

((( brilliant and beautifully written ... thank you )))

Nadi Paranamana

Taz thank you for posting on this topic that I have a personal interest in (and believe in). I'd like to add to your positive outlook on soul mates in this manner:

We like to believe that there is a soulmate out there waiting for us, we like to believe that this is that one person we will find eternal bliss and joy with and quite naturally, we hope this person is that one person whom we can be with for the rest of forever. Amidst the enthusiasm for this one person, what we often ignore is the fact that we are bound to meet many soulmates but one. According to some new-age spirituality/insight from the other side texts that I have read, this theme of multiple soulmates appear and reappear in multitude of ways. Our karmic connections over the past life times are bound to these soulmates that we meet in this life time. So in my eyes, an ex-partner too could be a an assigned soulmate who had a temporary role to play in terms of karmic connections in this lifetime because clearly, ex's have the tendency to leave us with lessons worth for a lifetime (despite of whether we take the trouble to take the lesson or not). So in my eyes, I'm open to the possibility (and the idea) that a soulmate could be just about anyone special in my life. It could be that special friend that you have, the ex-boyfriend that cheated on you or the ex-husband that left you for another woman (rationale: just because something negative happens in a relationship - it does not mean it's not meant to happen or there's no lesson. In fact, the lesson is always there... there is no right or wrong as we superficially believe. Instead, there is an experienced attached to every outcome that enriches our soul in milliard of ways) or your puppy that clings on to you. In turn, the "ideal" of a soulmate that we hold in our perception as that prince charming on a white horse, who will make everything in life work right for you, maybe a construct of our mind. Maybe we are too influenced by the fairytales we heard when we were kids. and perhaps, this narrow outlook on the concept of a "soulmate" perhaps is the very reason why people fail to recognize their soulmates? Perhaps, they are always out there but we fail to recognize them and give them due credit? :)

SWORDS

Taz: from the bottom of my heart, thank you for communicating such personal thoughts and feelings with such honesty, clarity and courage. Thanks also to the above commenters who have supplied some excellent insights.

As I digest what you've written, it occurs to me that in my case, I married for largely practical reasons, but with a strong desire for the personal growth that comes from building a relationship with and giving love to somebody not on the exact same 'wavelength'. In other words, I'm almost wanting my partner to *not* be my soulmate - to not expect too much by way of support and inspiration, but to look to generate that from within. Somewhat like working out with weights in the gym.

It's undeniable that having a soulmate would enrich one's life experience immensely. But somehow I can't help feeling that it's just a concept - certainly more grounded than the vision of a knight on a white horse, but an abstraction and somewhat artificial nevertheless.

Much love and gratitude for this stimulating conversation.

gina farrelly

love all that said about soul mates, i do believe in them. we are all connected somehow in some way or another. what is funny is that sometimes you meet someone what you have so much in common with that is scary and that moment is so good so unbelieveble that it goes so fast. sometimes we stay connected with that person and other times it was just but a glimpse

bridget j

Very interesting article and comments! Yes, I believe in soulmates, and I believe, at this point in our soul journeys on this Earth, that almost everyone we meet is a 'soulmate' of some kind. Soulmates fill our hearts with joy. They also break our hearts. Either way, they teach us the lessons our souls need to learn on this journey we all share together. A soulmate is the unrequited lover who dumps us via text message on New Year's Eve, therefore teaching us to be more loving and respectful of ourselves, or the whirlwind romance that doesn't last, but teaches us to be more spontaneous in life. Soulmates are our pets, that love us unconditionally, our family members, friends and neighbors, people we are called to help in times of crisis. And, they are our good friends, those rock-solid special someones, who, through their strength support and inspiration, always inspire us to keep growing. The Irish have a word for such a special friend: "anam cara", which means, "soul friend". And as I once heard a very wise soul friend say, "the depth of friendship does not depend on the length of acquaintance".

Beachgirl

Taz...yes i agree ... both in reflecting on this to live our lives more fully and learning to discern with clarity, which voice are we are actually listening too. This is especially true when we are in the midst of passion, anger or fearful confusion. We may think we are hearing our soul but most likely it is our ego`s voice of thought, judgements and emotional longing etc. Then we need to have mastered increasingly a sense of soulful presence to quiet it and realign to our inner sacred space of calm confidence, gratitude and harmonic peace.

fire within

Taz. you have to understand that the last 150 years of western civilization's culture has been almost exclusively dedicated to a relentless campaign to destroy faith in Love. your hairdresser is a prime example of the kind of person conditioned by this campaign to accept that Love is "impractical" so why bother? the campaign has been both blatant and subtle, and its aim is to disconnect people from the natural processes and inclinations of our spirits to Love, as part of a larger and much older "scheme" to make human suffering a default, universal state.

you're right about the need to connect with your soul in order for you to "find" your true soulmate. when you realize that in the first place YOU are your soulmate, you make the most essential connection: with the Higher Self. if you maintain that connection and follow its guidance, then the Higher Self will guide you towards your physical soulmate by drawing them to you through the power of attraction: like attracts like, and who better than the Higher Self to know what its own reflection looks like? it's said that to be in Love with another is to be in Love with yourself and to find yourself in another. i believe, sorry, i KNOW that to be true. if you keep faith in what you believe, nurture and maintain your Higher Self connection, it will bring you what your heart desires when and in the form you're ready to receive it. so keep working on your self with Your Self and don't stop believing that what your heart desires will manifest . . . and it will.

carole levy

Great bold post! I believe in soul mate, especially in loving relationship. I probably found mine in my husband. But my karma with men are such that I constantly blame him for not being the soul mate I wish he could be... Well, he patiently receives me (most of the time). He's really the right soul mate for me!! Talk to you very soon! love and xoxo.

ייעוץ זוגי

I always feel more alone my faith in soul mates. When I raise the issue with friends, my inquiry is met with ridicule, disbelief, or even patronizing congratulations to the shoulder.

מדבירים

I was so focused on understanding our friends and family if they disagree with the marriage that I have barely had time to see my soul the depth and quality of our connection.

בניית בריכות שחייה

Soul with a friend you feel completely seen, very comfortable and secure in a way that defies reason. My soul-friends are people I could call back after 20 years and be sure he'd be there for me.

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